mon pere est disparu

mon pere est disparu
25 years of soul searching
hoping
begging for a clue

an answer from god that his existence was true
truly on my side….24 hours a day my invisible guide
through a terrain filled with anxiety, a unified fear
hopelessness saturating the world
escaping through a single, unified tear

a tear shed through countless hours and years of dread
dreading the days which lay ahead
a religious war fought on two banks god’s focus instead?

yet I longed and hoped that all my delusions were dreams
fighting, and crying, falling apart at the seams…
when life seemed unbearable, a commodity I was willing to sell, escaping anxiety
which burned intense as the fires of hell

….none of this makes any fcuking sense,
I hate myself, I hate the pain, my grip on reality forever fading through delusions,
illusions, manifestations of a manic depressive mind…….
"Be proud of yourself, son, you are in fact one of a kind"
A kind of man, which no one can stand, when lost in a perpetual reverie
synapses misfiring
flooding the straight and narrrow
through inattention's demands.

Demands of me which no one can see…."it's gonna be alright you just wait"…for who, for you to save me from this state of being
Hiding and running and fighting and seeing
the devil's wrath disguised in a dream, a youth with only seconds to live
the world to give
one jump, one last dance………..incinerated, never able to express
a heart burning and yearning, soaked with passion.
forever fading in and out of fashion
impassioned from inception, merely a seed
empowered to save his day, in a galiant way…
the way of a knight penetrating a dense fog of terror
wielding scientific and religious might.
could have, should have, would have, right?

Write and rewrite every wrong, a voice for millions to stand strong and fight
to rise above an absence of light
no longer left to forage for salvation
a pool deep inside an infinite forest of fright
relieve and believe
in themselves, their dreams and the goals they will achieve
…from the 40 yard line with a card hidden up their sleeve
.....once decieved by satan,
lead towards a dominion of desperation,
escaping through medication and therapy,
embracing flight gliding with the wings of a dove whose flight carries me out of perpetual night
towards a celestial utopia, a land of rivers devoid of fright, yours, mine, soaring closer to cloud number nine

The apple never falls far from the tree
when corruption destroys purity, destiny navigating the tumultuous seas

….a reason to happy existence didn’t exist when devoted to drugs and booze
wake up, you've the world to lose……at the tips of your finger….depression destined to reside and linger.

30 miles in the distance, a clearing, silently hearing, fearing, and
nearing the eternal light
through hope and love with caution and
trust, understanding, forever demanding to be lost in a rapturous
lust
…..I must return to me, an ability to see
to hear the ominous call, a knock on the door
….timshel, mychoice, choose life over strife, but I've one more millisecond to stall
……to stagnate and fall
A Fall from grace, off the golden gate bridge my life forever erased…when all I longed for was the comfort of an embrace…..the voice of god, redemption for the entire human race…….
No more.
I can't take it.
I can't understand.
I'm merely a man
One in a billion grains of sand
passing through the sands of time
my battle, my struggle
aligning in the melody of a rhyme
For now is the beginning. the end no longer a worry
hurry and run
your life has just begun.
When two infuse.
As sanity falls over one.