when will you ever let go?

Lynn,

So I have this strong urge to come clean, to let it all out on this frigid late March monday Chi Town morning, although if I were to truly let it all out, it would take an entire novel. A novel set at the turn of the new millenium in a Chicago suburb. A novel not about a young man and his struggle with sanity after ________ rips _________ from his mind simultaneously replacing it with a perpetual state of confusion. No, this is a novel of two star crossed lovers who meet serendipitously, fall in love in the short course of a few weeks, and are then torn from eachother in a process as slow and excruciating as Chinese water torture, the young man eventually left to ponder the "Why" for years after.

The reason I'm writing, or rather feel so compelled to write you, is that you've been on my mind so much lately that the moment I lay my head down to sleep, I know I'm going to be "graced by your presence" in my lucid dreams. Last night it was the last moment I saw you, about a year ago, the night you walked out of my life for good as I blew up in a fit of self hatred and rage for allowing such a disaster to ever have occurred in the first place. Dreams are usually so much more intense than real life, but I have to admit, the actual scenario played out near verbatim to that evening, only with a rather joyous twist. You had walked out of the bathroom, looking as radiant and beautiful as the evening I met you. Your hair was blondish and long again, your eyes shining as bright as the hot caribbean sun off crystal blue water, you smile catching my heart in a moment of tender warmth as a hot shower on a cold winter morning lights every nerve ending of your body, reminding your subconscious of the long forgotten days cradled in your mothers womb. This moment played in repeat in various ways, all with positive outcomes, a practical, "and they lived happily ever after."

Instead, as I remember it, though, that instant of intense warmth was shocked, frozen by a mist of liquid nitrogen. When you walked right past me and out of my life, I felt every single time I had wronged you verbally, physically, mentally, all combined into one and shot directly at my heart. I understood the pain of losing someone you love on a level I wish no one could or would ever have to feel.

So since that moment, I've been stuck. Stuck searching for you, only the you that's single, the you that doesn't know the madness that once consumed my entire being. I've dated and compared every single woman to the innocent, passionate, yet cosmic connection I felt with your gaze locked deep with mine. An entire year and how every many failed dates and broken hearted girls later I've yet to find YOU. Maybe, just maybe, I should write a book about it. Title to be determined at a later date.

I want you to know Lynn that I will never forget you....you had an impact on me that not only allowed me to make it through the darkest of days, but left me with an intense vision of what I'd like out of the relationship that will eventually breed another being into this amazing daily routine we refer to as the "Real World".