a revision to a previous post.....

"because of the wonderful things she does,"


"Of course I don’t want life to be this way, steph!"

He tried in one final futile attempt to reconcile a love lost years before. Some would advise him to move on, but they didn't understand. She was his demise and his salvation. She was the reason he stayed on this side of the bridge, most likely the only reason. Looking back, it was so easy for him to see past all the pain and the hurt he caused her along the way, but he filed such acts under his illness, an illness he couldn't control, nor could he understand. "Fuck the world cause the world's fucking me," was his mantra, a mantra that applied to everyone who attempted to help, especially her. It was all her fault, he thought, foolishly on many occassions. Sure it could have just as easily been the drug abuse, or an undiagnosed illness, or even a trick of the devil. But it was so much easier to project the weight of his fucked up world onto her. She could bear the brute of his incessant worries, his woe is me, morose, nothing will ever get better everyone is out to get me attitude. And why? Because she never fought back. She never stood up for herself, for her womanhood, for the respect she so desperately deserved from the sack of shit that was her boyfriend. It was no wonder she no longer eagerly awaited his calls, heart and mind racing with the hope of sharing some random aspect of her day with the man she loved, the man she had hoped to grow old and start a family with.

The moments in which they'd been lost in reverie, an epic romance novel in sensual motion, had long faded into the past. Letters and 3 hour phone calls, dreams and destinites onced forged in their certain futures fell victim to the fires of lies and deceit and hatred.

And in haste he ignored the impending deadlines and incessant phone calls at work and attempted reconciliation with an email that was never to be sent.

I don’t want to sit at my desk day in and day out and ponder the would haves and should haves, the whys and the why nots. It’s maddening to think of how fcuked up our relationship was. What could have been the picture perfect union (and in many ways, was) exploded into a torrent of conflicting emotions and devotions towards pushing eachother away, the tiniest "issues" igniting rage and jealousy. You were an angel and a devil, you were my salvation and my down fall, your words brought me to my knees and your lies tore through my heart like a lion’s claws, shredding any hope at reconciliation or finding a path towards serenity and love. You were, I was, we won’t ever, because, because, because.