i need to vent

A letter which i'll send to no one.



I don't fucking understand how they do it? The ants, the worker bees, the drones that focus their minds on monotonous tasks day in and day out, week after week, month after month, year after year, looking forward to a paycheck and a few free hours on the weekend that they're not spending in traffic or responding to requests with efficiency and swiftness. "Chase the American Dream, people!" "Drive the economy." "Work, work, work, prove your self worth, wear your success badge proudly on your sleeve, letting all the world see the level of ostentation you've achieved."



I know why I have such a cynical view of the America in which I reside, because I don't chase my passion. Instead I drug myself to calm my nerves and my growing disdain for the boring, the mundane, the lucrative career of designing retention ponds. I've a friend who's chasing his lifelong dream to become a Veterinarian. He doesn't work at least 45 every week, becoming overstressed by pissed off primates also known as contractors demanding their answers NOW, NOW, NOW! He wakes up in the morning and works tirelessly. He remains focused on that which he loves: saving animals, treating and helping creatures of the Earth because he can, because he's capable, because it drives him to never give up.



I've given up and given in. I've grown tired, I've began to fall into the traps of conforming to the 9 to 5. Year in and year out hoping for a vacation to take off the proverbial razor sharp edge, smiling as I accept a bonus for a job well done, denying the fact that I was miserable 80% of the time I was performing mental gymnastics to determine how to develop 70 acres worth of God's green Earth to drain correctly, to not flood the client's buildings, to prevent insurance claims and buildings floating down the Fox River. I pout and I whine. I want to do something else. I want to be somewhere else. I don't care how much money I make. I have too many bills and owe too many people. I want to thrive, incessantly impassioned and inspired to progress my life's work. I need, I hope, I want, and I do nothing, absolutely nothing. I can't find the way out because I'm blind to the bars on the cage. Where are they? Which way is out? How does one escape? If I continue on this path I will either be fired for typing this nonsensical lyrical verbosity when I'm supposed to be saving my bosses ass again, or I will go insane. This much is true.