this is merely an entry in a diary of curiosity........(most likely a bore)

I ask myself day in and day out whether or not I should be doing what I’m doing…engineering, designing storm sewers and ponds for a living and enjoying said living. I struggle with the question of whether or not I should remain in this company, enjoying a slightly better salary than a civil engineer of a similar age in a similar company. The benefits are a little less than good. The vacation is 10 days per year, with one added for every year after five that a dedicated employee remains. I know there’s a dream I’d like to chase….a dream which involves movement and this reality smells of stagnation. I work for a firm whose employees are forged by being “tossed in the fire,” a term I associate closely with not having to invest in training. Furthering collegiate edumacation is not top of the pops either, what with a whopping $3,000 a year as the limit of their investment.

I talk much about change and growth because talk is easy, cheap, something to do to pass the time. Besides, the illusion of progress is created. I believe I’m moving forward because I talk about a desire to move forward. But nowadays forward isn’t such a clear direction, it’s no wonder I’m lost in a fog of indecision. Money is super, but hardly the answer I seek. More money in this career means becoming a drone, gluing my ass to the fabric of an uncomfortable seat and plugging away for at least 10 more years. And by then, well by then I’ll have a family to support, a house to pay off, new cars, a retirement fund…..enough financial distractions to all but eradicate any semblance of hope in changing careers. I’ll be wealthier and miserable. My creative spark will all but have faded into a sea of discontent.

I know I’m not alone. I know from perusing blogs and chatting over lattes, that many young adults feel trapped like hamsters in a cage, spinning the wheel to make a buck or two. An MBA or Law Degree become the next stepping stones in a life devoted to the pursuit of cash. But what about those of us who were always smarter than our peers? (or at least thought we were.) What about those of us who yearn to express themselves creatively and intellectually? What about those of us who pursued difficult degrees in college and knocked out decent GPA’, calmed by the knowledge that dedication would lead us on a road to comfort in life, not boredom and monotony? Where does that leave us?

The answers must be somewhere inside, or out there: on the internet, or in a prayer. Foresight and faith might be the best to qualities to exhibit in times like these. Maybe the best solution is to post questions to which similar souls can respond, creating a discourse on how to rise above.

I do not know that answers to my questions.

I do know that I’m 15 minutes closer to the comfy confines of my loft.

A dieu and happy 2006.