solace? or lyrical vomit?

solace? or lyrical vomit?
Current mood: exanimate
Category: Life

My boss walks away, shaking his head in displeasure as he's "caught" me, yet again, daydreaming, dragging my heels and coming up short on production. I'm anxious, heart racing, breath shortening, fight or flight responses kicking in. I resist the urge to ingest another xanax, close my eyes, breath deep and imagine myself walking away. Standing up, tall and proud albeit completely unaware of how foolish the act I’m about to commit may be, and walking away. Disappearing for awhile. To India or Tibet. Showing up on the doorstep of a guru and throwing my life to the wind, to the breath of the gods in a complete surrender of control, disappearing completely into myself, my studies: therapeutic spiritual cleansing.

I don’t see this as a road aligned with cash, diamonds, gold, notoriety, success, sense, or logic. I see it as nothing more than an acceptance that I’m a leaf floating aimlessly through a torrent of information and decisions, consumed by consumption and driven to inevitable destruction. I believed, when younger, that life was as wide open as the pacific ocean spread before a hanglider. I didn’t see my journey as a series of ladders that needed climbing, asses that needed kissing, and feet that needed washing. I didn't see my devotion to education as a futile attempt to end up exactly where everyone always wanted me to be; ,"Calm: Healthier and More Productive: Fitter: Healthier: A Pig in a Cage on Antibiotics." (credit Radiohead)

But god damn it the truth took a shit on my plate and asked me to eat and enjoy it. My other personality reminded me that, "the answers aren’t out there", "they’re inside you". Nothing more consoling than to realize long sought answers are inside the flawed, perpetually depressed and distracted me, the me that always turns to others for help and guidance when others are at times more in need of a map and a compass than they allow anyone to perceive.

Why is evil so ubiquitous? Why do so many people suffer in this world while others thrive off of the fat of the land? Why can’t we accept our differences and get along? Why can’t we chase outrageous dreams for the simple act of chasing and growing through them? Why do we sit in these cubes, surrounded by memories of times attained through submission, acceptance that someone will always be richer and more talented, better looking or better connected, ready to cast judgements of our faults and our accomplishments; pseudo-gods getting their kicks trying to control destiny?

I do not know the answer to all of these rhetorical and meaningless questions. I do know that it can’t be found by running away. I do know that for now, it’s important to face up to life and accept monotony until I’ve unlocked the secrets to harnessing delusions which drive me to share this lyrical vomit with the masses on a semi-daily basis. Get rich or die trying? Live life and die trying? One way or another, the end is inevitable. One absolute truth. One reason to push slowly away from this desk, place both feet on the ground, stand up, and walk away.