(not me)

i'm numb really
confused and distracted every second of every day lately...truthfully from the earliest moment of consciousness of which I have little memory...but I know this madness lay in a well deep withing my subconscious, or even my consciousness. Selections and directions to travel, my mind unravelling at an ever increasing rate, subdued by antidepressants yet perpetually pursued by the genes of my relatives, of my bloodine, of a past I am destined to never quite escape.

there is a persistent doubt and fear, a laziness that is prevalent in my mind. Think happy thoughts, harbor your inner Chi, trust in the Lord, every journey begins with the first step, so many phrases to embrace and hold dear in the ever depressing rat race......the thrill of completing a job on time and under budget escapes me, save it for the robots, the ones who can produce and produce day in and day out, work hard, stay focused and hardly pout or wine..they'll make me rich, they'll make me proud when I'm discussing year end results with my partners in crime. Nevermind that millions starve, I tend to think it's their own fault that they're sleeping in gutters, uttering barely audible pleas, covered in filth or saturated in disease. Please nevermind this rant. It is incoherent. From board rooms to brothels...cities of brotherly love smilng and praying and trusting in heaven above. Ahh but therin lies the rub, lies dubbed into the soundtrack of our lives. Try and imagine that this is it...that there is no heaven or hell, that hell is here, that everything is lawful. An awful thought if you'd ask a million of ignorant Americans. I can't stand work. I can't stand the daily doldrums. I hate my boss. I wish I was skinner, maybe I should eat more carbs. I really need an IPOD. Ooohhh his car is so hot, and so is he. I'm so and so of such and such prestigious family, what do you mean you've never heard of me, why yes I went to Harvard, darling you're so fabulous. I can't believe that Brad is breaking up with Jen to be with Angelina, what a ho, and Fat Joe, he's my most favorite singer, I've got Lean Back programmed into my cell phone. There's a war going on right now, could've have fooled me. One doesn't have to look far, wake the fcuk up and see the sea of debauchery....where's the love, where's the trust and the hope....why those stories don't make the front page...if it leads it bleeds, unless of course it's a story of redemption or Miracles, those stories make millions, nevermind they're the same story, different variables....

am I wrong. are they right? Maybe. Probably. Most likely. I'm the one sitting here in my room at 10:37 on a Thursday evening in July whose thoughts are truly much ado about nothing....incoherent, too random to be construed as anything of intellect, most likely the manifestation of mental overload, that violent human urge to create for the sake of creation, of self expression, of letting the world know how you perceive it, trust in yourself and in God's plan and you, my son, can acheive it.

whoisjobe? (not me)