in touch.

I've been in contact with her again over the past few days…my heart is reaching out to someone I pushed away so long ago for reasons beyond my control…"she's the perfect girl at the wrong time in my life," I used to say, jinxing myself from any complete connection with a woman I adored and loved yet loathed for her incessant need to tell white lies, to hide behind false facades of hapiness and wholeness, knowing all the while that she was scared and hurting. I was of no help, I was a mental wreck, a wretch, a drunk, an addict, wallowing in my own sorry because it was easy, because it was the only way to express the violent emotions that never stopped overwhelming my young and senseless mind…I was hurting and I was numb….I hurt her with my words and pushed her away when in fact all I wanted was to hold her closer to be closer to her than 200 or 2000 miles away, perpetually thinking about myself, my own problems, how I was so worse off than any other man in the world….were there reasons? Sure, there were reasons….I understand why I reacted as I did…I understand that whether or not it was preordained by some omniscent being, I was a timebomb set to explode, aggressively progressing my disposition through self medication, through EXSTACY, through believing that the fleeting sensations of synapses combusting in a surreal rush of seratonin bliss for 4 mind altering supposedly transcendent hours a $30 headfcuk, a fcuked up state of being and seeing through the fear and terror of life, were actually insightful, were able to be harnessed and did not in face exacerbate a depression that had been rising to the surface for years and years….terrifying inexplicable emotional terror released in two hour fits of grabbing at sheets and pillows, saturating fabric with waterfalls of tears…..I had no right to be the way I was to her…and I have no right to continue to correspond with her….only know someone I love dearly is struggling with emotional pain on a level I understand and she's young, vulnerable, and lost……..I need insight from the girl I once loved to help save a girl I want to see grow to be a successful, fullfilled, happy woman. Full circle, not quite….growth…probably, hopefully, with a burgeoning faith and a blind hope, I prepare to wield a sword not yet forged to begin my training….to save another….