The word of the day is synergy.

(This is fifteen minutes of freewriting)

There’s a single moment just before I nod off into dreamspace where reality begins to merge with subconscious abstractions and I can hardly tell whether or not I’m dreaming.

It’s a bit surreal, eyes closing inasmuch as I attempt to will them open, vision blurring, reality disappearing, no longer a part of the machine, merely a soul withdrawing, shutting down to recharge.

Rest is long overdue, it’s calling my name, echoing through the fragile canyons of an over stimulated conscience. Take my hand and hold tight, we’re about to embark on a ride of self discovery…..

And mere seconds after my eyes shut, an invisible hand slaps me across the face, bringing waking conscience back inches before my car slams into the rear of the car in front. It should be of no surprise, I didn’t allow myself enough time to sleep last night. I was up until the wee hours acquiescing to despair inducing bad habits of isolation and I’m tired this morning. How do I figure out what to write about that isn’t about me, outside of me, my paradoxical zone of uncomfort, my outlet to vent frustrations, speaking with my voice through my words, finding power in opinion.

……..instead of reaching out to others again to help me by providing advice I won’t follow, I need to look within, through my only mirror, my only portal into the dense haphazardly spun web of ideas and inspiration, longing and desperation. My father had delusions that his woodwork would make him rich beyond his wildest dreams. This is one of the only facts I know about him. Sad, but true. I don’t have to submit to repeating his mistakes. I don’t have to follow in his footsteps. There has to be a disconnect, a point to exploit , to tap into and exert maximum pressure to break the bonds that bind me to stagnation. There has to be a method towards the synergy of the certain now and an uncertain future. If writing is my strongest method for self-discovery, then I need to write as much as I can. I need to embrace writing. I need to embrace exercise and yoga. Exercise, yoga, and writing, and rest and reading and working for a living, and attempting to have some fun inbetween paying bills and waiting for paydays. I fool myself to think that I’ve begun this path. The true path for me, the only path which will produce any long term results must include waking up earlier and working harder if I ever hope to split from being stuck and repeating myself over and over and over until I drive my friends and family nuts. I have not given up during these past 6 years, this much is true and commendable. I have given in, though, to temptation and self-loathing and to repetition and it’s ok, I’m human, the past has already dissipated in an evanescent breath of star dust. It’s certain, has passed, and will never come to pass again.

The future, that’s an entirely different story.

If a cluttered desk is a cluttered mind and a cluttered mind is perpetually caught in spin cycle, careening in and out of the lines, over and back upon itself, ending at the middle and beginning twenty miles away, then the grass roots must be attacked.

Start with the ADD.

Believe.

Weallfacejob’strials.